Research conducted by the Altrincham Job Centre has revealed some pretty interesting insights where it comes to some job seekers not wanting to return to work, highlighting nine different personality traits in previous work colleagues that some poor folks, it would seem, can no longer bear to be around.
Damian De-Ville, general manager at the Job Centre said, “We found a genuine fear in many people about going back to work. But only when we conducted extensive research with other local Job Centres did it highlight the severity of the issue”.
When I asked him if it was impeding efforts in getting people back into work he replied, ” Oh God no. Listen, I think Sandra in admin is a bit of a knobhead but I still rock up to work everyday. The world is full of them, you can’t use it as an excuse to sit on your arse doing sweet FA all day”.
How many of these work colleagues do you know?
They’ve Atkin’d, Dukan’d, low Syn’d and Weight Watched through more years than you can remember, yet they’re still just 4lbs off that first half stone target – and worse of all you’re required to listen to it week in, week out.
Two days of extreme dieting where nothing but chicken, broccoli and ice cubes are to pass their lips are followed by five days binge eating utter shite – but they’ll pulled it back with a Coke Zero.
You’re somehow supposed to act interested when they’re giving it large about their latest bullshit scam fad knowing full well in two days time it’s back to Gregg’s pasties for breakfast.
If you’ve done it, guaranteed they’ve done it bloody well better.
They own several properties scattered far and wide throughout the globe and have thousands of pounds stashed away in savings, yet they bum cigs off everyone else daily and sulk should you dare treat yourself to a Marks & Spencers sarnie for lunch whilst they nurse a Cuppa Soup.
Yes, the exaggerator is a staple member of staff in any company worth its salt, we all know they’re chatting absolute bollocks but tend to go along with it anyway.
It’s Monday morning and bang on the dot the phone call arrives – “I’m sorry I can’t make it in today, my grandma has died”
Sixty dead grandparents so far and counting.
Public declarations of devastation about the death of in-laws they’ve claimed to hate for the last twenty years are commonplace with this one, it must be sufficiently dramatic enough if a decent amount of compassionate leave is to be achieved after all.
Every dead celebrity was their hero and you can expect a montage of doom, gloom and all-out misery daily on their Facebook newsfeed.
You know this mother fucker is going to make sure you’re two hours late for work and leave you with your head down the bog for the majority of the following day.
However the mere suggestion of the pub after work leaves you wetter than an otters pocket, rendering you vulnerable to their persuasive-bastard ways.
Don’t be fooled by the way they skip merrily into work fresh as a daisy the day after a school-night sesh, they’ve been practising much harder than you and have it down to a fine art form.
The drunk is fun but comes with a health warning to less fun work colleagues.
They hate every aspect of their working life, yet lack the motivation to leave after years in their moany little comfort zone.
Ironically, the only way to keep themselves happy is to complain as much as humanly possible throughout each and every day.
The moaner, despite continually bitching about the job, never takes a day off unless using up annual leave – where they cannot wait to return to tell you how shit their holiday was.
The drama queen
They change their relationship status more then their underwear, you’re guaranteed to witness an Oscar winning sick voice performance at some point of the year, and they’re always ground zero for the latest killer epidemic the news is haunting our dreams with.
Asking questions they damn well know the answer to and acting surprised when you give it is a daily occurrence.
The drama queen must be the centre of attention at all times and comes from a similar gene pool as the mourner.
The lovable perv
Inappropriate beyond all imagination, yet able to pull it off somehow.
A serial HR dodger with more sexual innuendo than a Carry On box set, this adorable little sex pest finds a way into all our affections – only because we know half an inch shorter and he would have been a girl.
The cantankerous old git
Riding out working life doing a whole lot of fuck all, whilst living in the fantasy land that they’re CEO and the company would collapse without them.
Can often be found tutting, rolling eyes and muttering under their breath for very minuscule reasons.
Bums the boss and pretends they’re yours when the managers out of site.
The former manager
There is absolutely no evidence to back it up in their attributes whatsoever, however in many of their previous jobs they were a manager – or so they claim at every god forsaken opportunity.
Hundreds of employees were in their grasp and this shit is like way beneath them, but they had an epiphany one day, realised happiness was more important than money in the end, so gallantly returned themselves to your level to muck in as one of the standard work colleagues again.
The former manager and the exaggerator can often be found as a packaged deal lording it over the workforce throughout the land.
If you have a worse work colleagues let the world know below!