Man flu – Like normal flu but potentially fatal if caught by males.
Known cures – None. However it can be managed and treated with sympathy.
Male scientists have concluded that the 2017 strain of Man Flu is without any doubt the deadliest they’ve ever seen, and now genuinely fear the NHS could buckle under the pressure if action isn’t taken within the home.
Local Altrincham GP Dr. James Stamford-Smith has been having his say, “Women need to know the fight against Man Flu is real, these poor men are risking their lives by doing the slightest thing for themselves. A bit of sympathy wouldn’t go a miss in a situation of this severity, I mean, look how much help and attention you lot need when you’re pregnant”
He went on, “You must keep them at home and tend for their every need, please for the love of all that is holy, keep them away from our surgeries to help prevent the spread of this evil monstrosity”
In light of the tragic circumstances many are suffering through at the moment, with the help of Dr. Stamford-Smith, we have put together a survival guide to ease you through it.
Man flu survival guide
Sympathy is paramount in the battle against Man Flu, and, difficult as it is in your current predicament, you must source as much of it as physically possible if you have any hope of surviving.
Ignore any negativity suggesting you have a cold, only somebody who has never suffered such a debilitating, tragic loss of health could suggest such a thing.
You should list each and every one of your ailments brought on by this monster to absolutely everyone you come into contact with, this helps them gain a firm understanding of just how dreadful you feel and much how worse it is than anything they’ve ever had before.
You cannot afford to be left for prolonged periods of time unassisted, this could prove fatal.
Invest in a bell so you may notify your significant other the very moment you need something.
They say a request for something whilst in the midst of Man Flu must be delivered within a ten second safe zone, after that you are literally dicing with death.
And feckin’ lots of it, after all, it is literally the only thing you will be able to eat when that weird, needless, epiglottis, dangley thing starts to swell at the back of your throat.
Here is a shit hot Minestrone soup recipe that you can beg someone to make you.
Your significant other is going to need to recharge their batteries at some point, you’ll have much for them to do tomorrow and they need to be well rested to fulfil their obligations.
At this point you’re going to have to bring in some reinforcements.
Although I will lay no claim to Night Nurse making you feel better (it won’t, you’re on the brink here), it does help to knock you out, putting you out of your misery for a few hours at the very least.
I cannot stress how important it is to wear multiple layers of clothing and to only remove yourself from under a duvet in extreme circumstances.
You should not give into any accusations and protests that you’re milking it, you must conserve your strength to breath and allow your body to keep your vital organs operating.
Many have gained camel like super powers where visiting the little boys room is concerned this past week and you will too soldier!
When you are tackling a shit storm the ferocity of which has never been witnessed before, you have to make sure you’re kept as happy as possible, others will understand they have no say over the TV whatsoever until it is all over – they simply must, it’s for your own safety.