Gift wrapped dog crap epidemic hits South Manchester for Christmas

An image to show gift wrapped dog crap hanging from a tree

An epidemic of gift wrapped dog crap is currently sweeping through the South Manchester area.

Neatly wrapped parcels of dog shit left along the side of the road, and in some cases dangling from trees like a faecal Christmas decoration, have become commonplace as with the darker nights people bargain on it being harder to be recognised discarding it in any way the dirty bastards see fit.

Timperley council has been inundated with complaints from the more hygenic members of the public who have sent a clear message – enough is enough!

Timperley councillor left foaming at the mouth

I sat down with Timperley councillor Valerie Toffington and she was absolutely raging.

“I think people have completely missed the point. When we brought in laws concerning the discarding of dog shit it wasn’t our intention for you to gift wrap your dog’s dirty stink and leave it all over the place you lazy fucktarts. You can find dropping stations throughout the local area, they’re called bins”.

A quick walk around the local area revealed she was correct, there are bins literally fuckin’ everywhere, so it’s small wonder she is seething about locals facing ‘knee deep in shit walks’ just to be able to carry on with their everyday business.

Things you can do if you catch a gift wrapped dog crap dropper

  • Project your disgust in your loudest possible voice causing maximum embarrassment to the perpetrator.
  • Point out bins in your most sarcastic possible voice.
  • Pop it in their pocket when they’re not paying full attention.
  • Slap it across their dirty mush.
  • Follow them home, transfer dog shit to a paper bag and place on their doorstep, light it then knock on the door and watch them try to stamp it out.

If you’ve become disillusioned with the amount of gift wrapped dog crap in your area you can ring the town hall on 0161 912 200 and wait in a queue until your 96th birthday. 

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